Trapped Voice

  

I’ve always loved to write. It’s something that has never failed me. 

It is reliable in life to just pick up a pen, in my case pencil and write down lists,thoughts,dreams,letters I’ll send, letters I’ll never send to that person but had to get out of my system, short story’s, or even the odd poem here and there.

I mean heck! I can be anything in the privacy of my own home.

Lately when I’ve wanted to write, something odd happens. My throat tightenes and I can’t manage to get the words out and onto paper.

It’s a blockage. A blockage that I will not let frustrate me, it sometimes makes me grin, because I can’t understand it… 

” I just has something to say but it’s not ready to come out and into print”

Why?

Its a weird feeling. A feeling of limitation. As though I’ve lost my freedom. My juice has run out. Gosh it makes me feel so useless. 

Have I nothing? Nothing productive to share?

I must have something bubbling, that is of interest to me, because my heart and soul is still working away, making me restless inside my body. Fidgetting, shaking with my legs, bodily movements and impulses annoying the crap out of the people closest to me.

I’d love to put something down on paper, but nothing productive comes out.

Then I noticed. It’s not a creative block…it’s just WRITING BLUES.

And then I started investing time in putting my thoughts and love and juice into expressing myself differently.

In pictures.

When at first you don’t succeed, give it time to come back to you, while you do something else you’re passionate about.

I have paused my hobby writing, but found other ways to live out my needs.

Telling stories through pictures.

Instagram allows me to post and share picture, that tell a little tale about my life and my interests, but allow me to put my writing at rest.

My writingsoul needs time to recuperate and get inspired again. And then the words will flow again. I’m sure. But in the meantime there’s no need to worry. So much time in a day to be filled with other passions… 

Don’t fret, accept and have a good time.

Express yourself differently and writing will come back to you.

Bloggers Fatigue& Procrastinating

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During my flat-move I have suffered some bloggers fatigue. Every time I picked up a pen to write the idea of resting just seemed so much easier and better. Sometimes it’s just so much easier snuggling under a duvet and hiding away than getting your arse out and about and sharing with the world.

Truth is though when you do get up and go about your day, or put on your Laptop and post, you feel a small sense of achievement after.

Blogging is great for anybody wanting to take baby steps towards becoming more routined and for us all to stop procrastinating.

Most people procrastinate a bit and that is fine. Sometimes is does feel better leaving the washing till AFTER we’ve finished our coffee. But in most cases it’s just a slippery slope, we all know better. We all know some habits…( iPhone just wrote ‘Hobbits’ lol) aren’t good for us. It’s just getting it into our systems and making it an automatic mechanism that is sometimes damn difficult.

What I used to do in times of bad procrastination was:

  1. Force yourself to do task a day you aren’t really motivated at all about.  Just knowing afterwards that you can tick off something important feels good and rewarding.

With Blogging you get to be creative and can motivate yourself knowing that someone will read what you are writing and know what you’re about.

Blogging Fatigue makes you feel like you got nothing and will do some writing another day, but one you just start a lot just happens on its own. Opening doors of possibilities on even the laziest of days.

DECEMBER HOME SCENT

I am crazy in love with this time of year.

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Every evening from about 5 pm, THE XMAS-ALBUM is on loop. My home, my food, my entertainment mostly revolves around something christmassy.

There is so much bad going on in the world. So many hardships in everyday life.

I have the tradition of blocking the month December for only cozy, happy thoughts.

It is naive, it is living in a fairytale and it doesn’t always work but for me: I try my best to make IT  happen.

It all starts with my home. Our home is the one thing we should invest in to make it warm and inviting. Not for our guests, but for ourselves.

So many students or people who work long hours just see their apartments as dumping grounds for their tired bodies to sleep and then leave the next morning.

Things are said like “I’m hardly ever there.” or ” I much rather go out”.

Well friends: ” If you treat your apartment like an actual HOME, you might enjoy being there more and then every month will be well worth paying the rent.

Tastes in decoration vary, I’m not even going to go into where and how I hang up my lights etc.

But I will share one thing.

My home MUST-HAVE in DECEMBER is : *drumroll*

“THE SCENTED CANDLE” 

I know it sounds so ridiculous. But a lovely scent in your home helps so much to bond with your place and relax. A scented candle doesn’t have to remind you of old lady florals, heavy with rose or lavender. There is a scent for every home. From mature florals, woody masculine scents, light smells that slowly wrap themselves around you to intense smells that punch you in the face.

Smells have such a massive psychological effect on us, why not use them for our well-being?

I personally prefer soft, clean and light smells for my home.

Even around X-MAS I haven’t gone for a  heavy gingerbread, nutty, caramelized orangey smell, more of a light pine and cedar wood with mint.

The scent I’m all about this month is :

Yankee Candles “Winter Glow”

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But that’s just me…and in the “Department of Stink”, I am not that adventurous. I don’t have to have my home smelling of freshly baked gingerbread men and christmas cookies. I much rather just eat them.

At the moment there are so many ‘Special Edition Scents’ to choose from. Do you use anything in particular?

What one person loves might not be for another, and if your living with a man be careful not to go to town in the floral department as they often don’t really appreciate them.

For unisex households I like anything fresh and subtle like “Winter Glow” ,” Clean Cotton”, Yankee Candle.

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or “New York; Black Tie” from Bath and Body Works.

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Go out and sniff something good today, bring it home and transform your home into a snuggly Winter Wonderland or Icey Man-cave.

 

 

 

YEARNING FOR A MEMORY

image(bhmpics.com)

We have a lot of options when it comes to hiding away.

Like me…

If I’m not in the mood to talk I don’t answer the phone. If during my daily walk I don’t want to communicate with my neighbor I just wait a few seconds behind a wall until they have gone inside and have closed the door behind them. Or if I’m sad but don’t know how to share I just hide it behind a smile.

These are ways to escape confrontation. Communication.Good or bad.

I can deal with certain people another time I think…

But then there are things that can’t be ignored: memories. They fill me with painful feelings of nostalgia. It can creep up on you during the day but also in your sleep, leaving you groggy the next morning with a sense of sadness or dread.

Is my soul trying to tell me something? Are these thoughts of times gone by impulses to act on? A silent motivator? Or just ghosts not put to rest.

Sometimes I can’t believe the things I remember .The time we spend reminiscing about that memory.

People say it’s all in the past just move on.

But to many that sounds like forgetting and that is not something everyone is prepared to do…

Prepared to forget that time, which seems to play a major role to you or you would not keep softly playing with these thoughts in your mind. Over and over like rehearsing a song…

We Women Are Masochists

 Sad-Girl-Alone-In-Winter-8(photo : hdfreepics.com)

Sitting on my couch, eating cookies , getting into the festive spirit my best friend phones me.

It isn’t one of those light hearted conversation where we laugh with each other about work and the new FAILS we accomplished that day.

It’s not something that occurs very often but she is upset.

Turns out her pet isn’t sick, her grandma hasn’t died and she hasn’t lost her job. Oh and also her relationship is going just fine.

No. She has just found out that her EX has a new girlfriend and is not shy to brag about it on facebook, instagram, twitter the lot. Photos with his new Lady done in bed, feeding each other fruit, the weird stuff.

“How the hell did you find out?” Wait. I stop to laugh, because I know the answer myself best.

In an ONLINE world. We stalk. Why do we do this? Maybe because we are creepy but mostly because everybody CAN.

There is no point in making her feel bad by saying :” Why the hell do you do that to yourself!? ” Because I myself abso-f*****- lutely know that is a primal urge that can’t be controlled easily.

She explaines, how she is so confused, because she always thought she wouldn’t care and hadn’t even thought of him in ages and had no interest in reconciliation what so ever . But seeing him with the new woman after always being told how special she was to him, feels like a slap in the face.

I know exactly what she feels although for me it feels more like a stab in the heart followed by a heartburny sensation.

It dawns on me that we are absolutely crazy.

We are strong, independant women, with loving partners or happily single and good jobs going for us. We can be having the most fabulous of days. Then we get on the web, see a snippet of posted information from an old flame and in seconds feel like a kitten in a box of wool…with only three legs.

The problem is not this random blast from the plast, posting facebook photos out of his bed with another woman. The problem is not us wanting them back. The problem is definately not the OTHER WOMAN.

The problem is us and in how fast we can be shaken. How fast our confidence can turn to doubt. 

The best I can do in this situation is to build my friend up, point out her amazing qualities, that I understand and this reaction has solely to do with her confidence plummeting, and this feeling won’t last forever.

I calm her down pin pointing that on the web people seem to have it all.  The tanned girl with the perfect butt, posting bikini-shots day after day. Those beautiful couples who don’t seem to have a job, because the are travelling non stop showing off their banging workout bodies, smiling, grinning (Making me sick and envious or even happy for them depending on my mood).

Nobody posts those moments of doubt and ugliness we all have from time to time. Nobody posts about utter dispare.

And those who do, who are ironically the most genuine people of all probably, are just written off as unstable and looney.

As a last gift before we hang up, I do upon request take a look at the NEW WOMAN and let her know, that she needn’t feel these irrational feelings of threat and low self esteem as the woman clearly looks like a giraffe and she doesn’t know anything about their relationship-dynamic. Infact all these fears are all in her head and her mind is just spinning it out of proportion to hurt her.

We hang up…

“Why the hell do we do this to ourselves?”

We can work so hard on confidents and finally when we think we’ve gotten there, we plummet to a new low over a guy. Mostly even over an unavailable EX.

It is ridiculous. Yes.

But I’ve learned there is absolutely no point in punishing yourself for it, because no matter how ridiculous it is, these fears of replacement and threat, they are in fact in those moments very, very real and physically hurt.

 Even giraffe-head I am sure, has these feelings at times or will in the future.

What we need in those moments most are just listeners, reasurance, love from people around you who know you are fabulous. And to be strong bit by bit…

No one is dead.

But to a woman ” The dream, The idea of what could have been or the illusion of what she would have wanted herself with that person, in that moment exactly THAT…

…has died

Connecting Through Writing

Everybody wants to be listened to. Listened to and understood.

Having a person hear us, acknowledge us and reflect back that they got the point we were making.This is what we want in communication. A person to listen to us and vice versa. A feeling of connection.

Doing this makes us feel less alone.

At times it is not easy to own your voice. We can get discouraged by others, intimidated showing genuinely who we are and sharing ourselves with others…

Writing is a gift to those I think, who don’t go all out there in speech, but process a lot in thought and need an outlet, to try and restore an inner balance.

“Making peace with our mind by putting its thoughts on paper.”

To tell somebody. Even if that somebody starts out with being a blank sheet.

Writing helps us put down ideas and opinions and unlike speech, it’s easier to edit and improve what we were trying to say, before it was SAID. HEARD. &.ACKNOWLEDGED.

Being able to reach others through writing something, telling a story. Having what we write read and with this :”HEARD” is a wonderful process. It’s like taking care of a garden. The garden of our mind and sharing it’s images with others…

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-ENOUGH FOR THE MOMENT-

SEATTLE LOVESTORY PART 2:

Seattle my precious! I return with a new post dedicated to you and further reasons why I love you❤️:

 

Walking through Mt. Rainer National Park in Spring, breathing in the fresh air and witnessing the variety of botanical beauty.

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 (photo: fineartamerica.com)

There are not many places I have been, with so much colorful, wild flora and fauna to see! Flowers float every woman’s boat!

If it’s too rainy for a walk, how about retreating with friends to “Quinn’s Pub” on Pike Street!?

Smoked honey glazed goat ribs with a Mediterranean salad, paired with Quinn's Ale, is one of the rotating happy hour choices at Quinn's Pub on Capitol Hill in Seattle on Tuesday, Sept. 22, 2015.

(photo featured in “Seattle Times”)

 

Me, I love a good pub meal!IMG_4261 And “Quinn’s” combines good lager with great food. P.E.R.F.E.C.T.I.O.N.!

 I also love “Bathtub,Gin& Co  on 2nd Ave for a glass of wine or an obvious, clichéd Gin &Tonic, while catching up with friends after a shop in the City.

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Seattle also offers great museums to visit.

Something different from your typical art museum would be for example “The Museum of Glass”, colorful, funky glass art.

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or visiting “The Boeing Museum”…

As fan of the Airbus but even I appreciate the “Boeing 747’s” elegance in design and shape. Nice to visit the real “Boeing Fans Heaven” for more.

I could go on and on about my Place-To-Be, but think I’ll save the rest for another time.

Be inspired by Seattle and take a pick from what this amazing city has to offer YOU…..?