Sitting on my couch, eating cookies , getting into the festive spirit my best friend phones me.
It isn’t one of those light hearted conversation where we laugh with each other about work and the new FAILS we accomplished that day.
It’s not something that occurs very often but she is upset.
Turns out her pet isn’t sick, her grandma hasn’t died and she hasn’t lost her job. Oh and also her relationship is going just fine.
No. She has just found out that her EX has a new girlfriend and is not shy to brag about it on facebook, instagram, twitter the lot. Photos with his new Lady done in bed, feeding each other fruit, the weird stuff.
“How the hell did you find out?” Wait. I stop to laugh, because I know the answer myself best.
In an ONLINE world. We stalk. Why do we do this? Maybe because we are creepy but mostly because everybody CAN.
There is no point in making her feel bad by saying :” Why the hell do you do that to yourself!? ” Because I myself abso-f*****- lutely know that is a primal urge that can’t be controlled easily.
She explaines, how she is so confused, because she always thought she wouldn’t care and hadn’t even thought of him in ages and had no interest in reconciliation what so ever . But seeing him with the new woman after always being told how special she was to him, feels like a slap in the face.
I know exactly what she feels although for me it feels more like a stab in the heart followed by a heartburny sensation.
It dawns on me that we are absolutely crazy.
We are strong, independant women, with loving partners or happily single and good jobs going for us. We can be having the most fabulous of days. Then we get on the web, see a snippet of posted information from an old flame and in seconds feel like a kitten in a box of wool…with only three legs.
The problem is not this random blast from the plast, posting facebook photos out of his bed with another woman. The problem is not us wanting them back. The problem is definately not the OTHER WOMAN.
The problem is us and in how fast we can be shaken. How fast our confidence can turn to doubt.
The best I can do in this situation is to build my friend up, point out her amazing qualities, that I understand and this reaction has solely to do with her confidence plummeting, and this feeling won’t last forever.
I calm her down pin pointing that on the web people seem to have it all. The tanned girl with the perfect butt, posting bikini-shots day after day. Those beautiful couples who don’t seem to have a job, because the are travelling non stop showing off their banging workout bodies, smiling, grinning (Making me sick and envious or even happy for them depending on my mood).
Nobody posts those moments of doubt and ugliness we all have from time to time. Nobody posts about utter dispare.
And those who do, who are ironically the most genuine people of all probably, are just written off as unstable and looney.
As a last gift before we hang up, I do upon request take a look at the NEW WOMAN and let her know, that she needn’t feel these irrational feelings of threat and low self esteem as the woman clearly looks like a giraffe and she doesn’t know anything about their relationship-dynamic. Infact all these fears are all in her head and her mind is just spinning it out of proportion to hurt her.
We hang up…
“Why the hell do we do this to ourselves?”
We can work so hard on confidents and finally when we think we’ve gotten there, we plummet to a new low over a guy. Mostly even over an unavailable EX.
It is ridiculous. Yes.
But I’ve learned there is absolutely no point in punishing yourself for it, because no matter how ridiculous it is, these fears of replacement and threat, they are in fact in those moments very, very real and physically hurt.
What we need in those moments most are just listeners, reasurance, love from people around you who know you are fabulous. And to be strong bit by bit…
No one is dead.
But to a woman ” The dream, The idea of what could have been or the illusion of what she would have wanted herself with that person, in that moment exactly THAT…