I CAN’T QUITE GRASP YOU

I sit still and I can feel you close to me. I try to relax and let you reach me, flow through me, feed me. You are my “Inspiration” after all.

It is simply you I need to fulfill myself. No pressure…

But I feel pressure. Especially in those moments, when I am so close to realizing what you want to tell me. 

In those moments I am so close to catching you, finding an idea. Something I can pursue. 

Sometimes you are briefly caught between the soft clasp of my fingers and then you just disappear into thin air again.Leaving me back at square one. 

What we are looking for is right in front of us. Happiness and love resides within ourselves. Isn’t that what we are meant to believe?

Calming, strengthening thought. I agree and I believe!

But nevertheless frustrating when not accessible…

Sometimes inspiration, a thought, a dream quietly sails by, nearly unnoticed and we manage to grasp it. Lock it down. Use it. It was given to us.

But sometimes it gets away before we can make use of it.

It can feel as though we are being tortured. An oasis of creativity and inspiration dangling in front of us going to waste, because we can’t always see it clearly.

But I don’t believe our dreams and inspirations want to hurt us and discourage us. I feel often they want us to bring them home to us, as much as we want them home where they belong. Appreciated and supported.

Our dreams and ideas belong out there, fulfilled and realized. They are not tormenting us by playing “Hide and seek”. 

They are softly singing to us. Guiding us towards them. Towards the light. And if we miss them..?

They will simply try again another time. 
They want to be discovered after all…

(Image: imgfave.com)

GENTLE TO OUR SCARS

I am in the present moment. I breath in and out…

I reflect upon my breathing, I go about my day. The present moment doesn’t always seem to stick for long enough though.

But when it does, I am amazed at how full and abundant my life in this very moment is.

 It is a feeling of being grounded and at peace. It is a feeling worth waiting for. 

Other times I am thrown back to a past memory. A time long ago. A person long ago and I feel pain. I try to fight these thoughts away.

Afterwards I feel bad .

Bad that I let these thoughts and memories get to me.

 

 

Stupid me. Aren’t we all supposed to move on?

 

Moving on is an active choice.YES!

But it also requires patience and acceptance. Sometimes the acceptance that there are indeed scares that might never completely heal. Not even with time. Some scars will always burn a little…might never truly fade into invisibility.

They might stay as a reminder.

But not as a reminder of how you have failed to move on completely and should just let go for goodness sakes, but maybe reminding you a little of how well you have indeed already moved on.

But that there was this big thing and this big thing, like it or not, is chapter of your life. A chapter you can’t rewrite. You can’t change your past.

You can be gentle towards yourself and understand that it takes time though.

And the goal is not to forget, even though you’d love that most of all, not to be followed by something from the past, casting a shadow on your beautiful present or future…

Be gentle to your scars. Now and then they will pipe up, to remind you that they are there.

Acknowledge they are there. Comfort them and let them slowly disappear into the background again.

Life is happening. Get back to doing your thing…

INNER CHILD CALLING…

They never said it was going to be easy.They also never said it was going to be as hard as it sometimes is.

Being an adult, we never are just that…

  Inside of me resides a little soul from the past. A part of me that never grew up. Got hung up along the way of climbing the age-ladder. 

That little soul is my inner-child. It reminds me in my adult life, during unexpected moments,of its delicate presence, that it is still there needing to be cared for and healed.

Healed from what? I am busy! Being an adult with work, relationships, finances.

But some things can’t be pushed aside for eternity. Sooner or later the little voice inside of me becomes louder. Craving attention. 

This is the source of my true wants and needs. The secret bearer of the puzzle pieces to make my heart complete. 

There’s no point in ignoring shortcomings. Not even those of a childhood trapped inside of me. I have to give in, listen to it, acknowledge it. And then …

The voice is gone. Quiet. Calm returns I can get on with my day. 

My inner child just needed attention,love, encouragement, that it’s ok just the way it is. Always has been. It needed my adult self to pay attention to it.

A long the course of its upbringing, it losts it’s way…

And decided to wait in my heart until years later the adult me was strong enough to listen to it, care for it and love it.

You are me after all...

Trapped Voice

  

I’ve always loved to write. It’s something that has never failed me. 

It is reliable in life to just pick up a pen, in my case pencil and write down lists,thoughts,dreams,letters I’ll send, letters I’ll never send to that person but had to get out of my system, short story’s, or even the odd poem here and there.

I mean heck! I can be anything in the privacy of my own home.

Lately when I’ve wanted to write, something odd happens. My throat tightenes and I can’t manage to get the words out and onto paper.

It’s a blockage. A blockage that I will not let frustrate me, it sometimes makes me grin, because I can’t understand it… 

” I just has something to say but it’s not ready to come out and into print”

Why?

Its a weird feeling. A feeling of limitation. As though I’ve lost my freedom. My juice has run out. Gosh it makes me feel so useless. 

Have I nothing? Nothing productive to share?

I must have something bubbling, that is of interest to me, because my heart and soul is still working away, making me restless inside my body. Fidgetting, shaking with my legs, bodily movements and impulses annoying the crap out of the people closest to me.

I’d love to put something down on paper, but nothing productive comes out.

Then I noticed. It’s not a creative block…it’s just WRITING BLUES.

And then I started investing time in putting my thoughts and love and juice into expressing myself differently.

In pictures.

When at first you don’t succeed, give it time to come back to you, while you do something else you’re passionate about.

I have paused my hobby writing, but found other ways to live out my needs.

Telling stories through pictures.

Instagram allows me to post and share picture, that tell a little tale about my life and my interests, but allow me to put my writing at rest.

My writingsoul needs time to recuperate and get inspired again. And then the words will flow again. I’m sure. But in the meantime there’s no need to worry. So much time in a day to be filled with other passions… 

Don’t fret, accept and have a good time.

Express yourself differently and writing will come back to you.

Bloggers Fatigue& Procrastinating

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During my flat-move I have suffered some bloggers fatigue. Every time I picked up a pen to write the idea of resting just seemed so much easier and better. Sometimes it’s just so much easier snuggling under a duvet and hiding away than getting your arse out and about and sharing with the world.

Truth is though when you do get up and go about your day, or put on your Laptop and post, you feel a small sense of achievement after.

Blogging is great for anybody wanting to take baby steps towards becoming more routined and for us all to stop procrastinating.

Most people procrastinate a bit and that is fine. Sometimes is does feel better leaving the washing till AFTER we’ve finished our coffee. But in most cases it’s just a slippery slope, we all know better. We all know some habits…( iPhone just wrote ‘Hobbits’ lol) aren’t good for us. It’s just getting it into our systems and making it an automatic mechanism that is sometimes damn difficult.

What I used to do in times of bad procrastination was:

  1. Force yourself to do task a day you aren’t really motivated at all about.  Just knowing afterwards that you can tick off something important feels good and rewarding.

With Blogging you get to be creative and can motivate yourself knowing that someone will read what you are writing and know what you’re about.

Blogging Fatigue makes you feel like you got nothing and will do some writing another day, but one you just start a lot just happens on its own. Opening doors of possibilities on even the laziest of days.

DECEMBER HOME SCENT

I am crazy in love with this time of year.

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Every evening from about 5 pm, THE XMAS-ALBUM is on loop. My home, my food, my entertainment mostly revolves around something christmassy.

There is so much bad going on in the world. So many hardships in everyday life.

I have the tradition of blocking the month December for only cozy, happy thoughts.

It is naive, it is living in a fairytale and it doesn’t always work but for me: I try my best to make IT  happen.

It all starts with my home. Our home is the one thing we should invest in to make it warm and inviting. Not for our guests, but for ourselves.

So many students or people who work long hours just see their apartments as dumping grounds for their tired bodies to sleep and then leave the next morning.

Things are said like “I’m hardly ever there.” or ” I much rather go out”.

Well friends: ” If you treat your apartment like an actual HOME, you might enjoy being there more and then every month will be well worth paying the rent.

Tastes in decoration vary, I’m not even going to go into where and how I hang up my lights etc.

But I will share one thing.

My home MUST-HAVE in DECEMBER is : *drumroll*

“THE SCENTED CANDLE” 

I know it sounds so ridiculous. But a lovely scent in your home helps so much to bond with your place and relax. A scented candle doesn’t have to remind you of old lady florals, heavy with rose or lavender. There is a scent for every home. From mature florals, woody masculine scents, light smells that slowly wrap themselves around you to intense smells that punch you in the face.

Smells have such a massive psychological effect on us, why not use them for our well-being?

I personally prefer soft, clean and light smells for my home.

Even around X-MAS I haven’t gone for a  heavy gingerbread, nutty, caramelized orangey smell, more of a light pine and cedar wood with mint.

The scent I’m all about this month is :

Yankee Candles “Winter Glow”

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But that’s just me…and in the “Department of Stink”, I am not that adventurous. I don’t have to have my home smelling of freshly baked gingerbread men and christmas cookies. I much rather just eat them.

At the moment there are so many ‘Special Edition Scents’ to choose from. Do you use anything in particular?

What one person loves might not be for another, and if your living with a man be careful not to go to town in the floral department as they often don’t really appreciate them.

For unisex households I like anything fresh and subtle like “Winter Glow” ,” Clean Cotton”, Yankee Candle.

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or “New York; Black Tie” from Bath and Body Works.

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Go out and sniff something good today, bring it home and transform your home into a snuggly Winter Wonderland or Icey Man-cave.

 

 

 

YEARNING FOR A MEMORY

image(bhmpics.com)

We have a lot of options when it comes to hiding away.

Like me…

If I’m not in the mood to talk I don’t answer the phone. If during my daily walk I don’t want to communicate with my neighbor I just wait a few seconds behind a wall until they have gone inside and have closed the door behind them. Or if I’m sad but don’t know how to share I just hide it behind a smile.

These are ways to escape confrontation. Communication.Good or bad.

I can deal with certain people another time I think…

But then there are things that can’t be ignored: memories. They fill me with painful feelings of nostalgia. It can creep up on you during the day but also in your sleep, leaving you groggy the next morning with a sense of sadness or dread.

Is my soul trying to tell me something? Are these thoughts of times gone by impulses to act on? A silent motivator? Or just ghosts not put to rest.

Sometimes I can’t believe the things I remember .The time we spend reminiscing about that memory.

People say it’s all in the past just move on.

But to many that sounds like forgetting and that is not something everyone is prepared to do…

Prepared to forget that time, which seems to play a major role to you or you would not keep softly playing with these thoughts in your mind. Over and over like rehearsing a song…